never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
