i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
