nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
