capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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