oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
