Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
