Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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