I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
