I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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