My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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