Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
