i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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