Got a toothbrush?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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