he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
