I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
