So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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