Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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