i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
