My nipple is on Facebook.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
