i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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