end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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