Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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