wrigley field is MILF paradise
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
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