if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
