I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we're so committed to being not committed
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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