My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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