Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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