After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
