i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
