I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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