mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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