I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
