Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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