I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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