i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
