Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
