i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
