Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
