Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
