He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
