I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
