Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
