i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
