so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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