No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
