I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
