I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
