How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
