I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
