I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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