I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
