Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
