If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize