SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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