do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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