the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
