I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
