Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
